in 2007

i cut out heart shapes and pasted them over my specs

i locked angus and abel in the project room and watch them fight

i started to listen to mcr

i went to australia and watch gay movie

i went to malaysia and had a 'party' after competition

i took a vid of weisiang eating in the toilet

i went to vietnam for the best 2 weeks of the year

i started to like my pe uniform

i started to train 3 times a week

i got my p700

i set up this blog

i got my beloved mp3 player

i locked weisiang to the school chair

i got 18/20 for chinese summary

i got my team singapore jacket

i fell out with yulin and made up within 3 days

i and my debate team owned our opposition 5-0...in my class only lah

i rediscovered an old friend

i forced some routine into my life

i exercised voluntarily

i started using msn (suaku rite)

i started using friendster (more suaku rite)

i smashed cake into yulin's face

i smashed whipped cream into alex's face

i learnt to play pool

i learnt to beat time crisis 2 with one coin

i learnt what its like to be emo

i made stupid mistakes

i learnt from those stupid mistakes. alot.

lol. i signed in to blogger and they told me this blog had 29 posts, so i went and typed a nice paragraph abt how this was my 30th post....then realise its only 24 -.-... i think some glitch lah... anyway

ok, so here's the next 10 things i will miss about vietnam:

1. hearing shanzhi's barney theme song morning alarm
2. hearing my mcr-im not okay morning alarm
3. watching chuyong sms like crazy
4. walking from our bunk to NTT school, joking about the huge piles of dust by the road.
5. cursing the crap out of stamford. haha, kma, old man
6. bunk 2 singing all sorts of random songs
7. camwhoring with bunks 2 n 3
8. the ntt school hall, where we spent like 1/2 our time
9. playing need for speed carbon until 3 in the morning
10. ha long bay and tien sen sguen nga... i dunno how to spell...its some scenic place int he mountains with a lake.

and yesterday i complated all my lit holiday homework!! clapclap
actually, im just supposed to read gulliver's travels and the importanc eof being earnest, but was too lazy to read, so i just go wikipedia and read the summary, the themes etc... ;) guliiver's travels is a retarded book, but importance of being earnest is quite cool, the storyline i mean, not the writing style...

i dont understand why all the old old books are so dam difficult to read, its like the more complicated your writing is, the better your book liddat. rubbish lah. one sentence in gulliver can stretch to one whole paragraph, then every four words got one comma. -.-

sigh

so now i still have chinese stuff to do... POK LEMME COPY!!!

oh yeah, and for some reason im back to playing warcraft 3... if anyone knows where to dl frozen throne can tell me plspls... and not torrent hor. i dunwan torrent :D

heyhey...

some of the high ive been feeling the past few daes have worn off lah... been going back to thinkin abt hanoi...all thanks to shanzhi's post -.- haha

lookin deeper rite, i realise my life is going quite so-so lah, some good things, some bad things. but the lousy part is that the bad things all involve the major things in my life. the good things are only the memories, the fact that i have a life, and hope ifor my future( drama rite) ...all the small useless things lah. so right now its quite screwed up...

im sort of confirmed out of ntt alr, even if i shoot 599 evrydae for the next 2 mths. cos the nov monthly shoot kena cancelled, then im gonna miss the dec one cos of holiday -.- so unless i can talk to coach or smth...byebye lor :P

so shooting out alr. on the bright side, there's 2 yrs between now and sea games, 3 between now and YOG... the only 2 comps im looking orward to for now. oh well. at least i got the jacket.

now lets look at studies!! yay. this year i got 2.84 final gpa. and thats with moderation somemore. normal standard is around 3.3, and minimum required for graduation is 2.0. so now you can see where i stand. im like in the bottom 20-30% of the cohort. yay. and so far this holiday i havent been doing any revision or what. i tell myself i AM going to work harder next year... but thats what i tell myself every year. and this year too. so its quite hopeless already lah. hopefully maintain 3 and above can liao lor.

sigh...so the biggest 2 things in my life are goner alr. yay

then after going shanzhi's blog and reading his posts, started to think what i achieved this year. come to think of it, i prob un-achieved more than i achieved. okay. i screwed studies, that one obvious... then my shooting is like... i dunno lah, no matter what i try still cannot wan. so what if i won golds in seasa and arafura...look at it frankly. those rly were pretty much worthless wins lor. to me. arafura dun even have competitor, shoot 1 also can win gold. then seasa we were the only team with 3 ppl. so sure win wan . yay.

maybe the only thing i learnt this year... and that was only at the end of this year.. that there's really no point thinking abt depressing things over and over again. some people arnd me havent realised that yet, and i hope they do soon. really. like now, no matter what's gone wrong with my life, im always satisfied and happy. im going to get kicked out of ntt soon, and no matter how this post sounds, im just facing it normally. so what if im out. to me, its really no big deal. during trainings i can shoot like 3 8s in a card and laugh it off. these kind of thing. ive wondered for awhile if i was just running away from my problems, but im not. its just not affecting me the way they used to. maybe after one year im numb already. i dont know. we'll see.

so now since i feel like it, i'll list 10 things i miss about vietnam!! in 5 installments, so it'll equal SZ's 50 :P in no particular order inspired by shanzhi haha

1. the ntt students, all of you, even those not in the 35.
2. jaywalking through 4 way junctions with no traffic lights
3. the uni canteen, and the nicest canteen guy in the world
4. talking cock in the bunks until 4 in the morning(miss this one alot alot...)
5. i'll miss shanzhi, justin, marc, chu yong, junsean and me being in the same bunk
6. thumb/finger/whatever game with all the vietnamese guys
7. homestay partner, Hoang, his singing, his screaming and his house 8D
8. VNese pho, cos singapore style doesnt stand a chance
9. all the vietnamese songs we learnt and sang
10. the amazing traffic.

haha. the list not done yet tho. will add 10 more nex time

BYEEEZZ

yay, this like the 1st time i post so early in the month... :P

anyway, update on my life...

yesterday, madeline maas(teacher) called me to tell me i was selected for psl. dam cool rite. i missed the sign ups, screenings, all the interview rubbish, psl training, and im still psl. haha. ownage!.!. she called my hp when i was halfway home, so i saw (unknown number) then when i picked up the phone i went 'hallo? what do you want?' -.- damn smooth lol


plus, my training getting v cool lor. its not improving or deproving, but the feeling is v different. my gun is alive. when i start training my gun can be one setting, then by the time i finish it can change setting wan. so far the part where u hold with your right hand got change before, and the part where u put your left hand on changes like every training -.-


and the little stick to switch between dry and live fire now takes like 5 times the effort to change. dunno wth happened to it. now i wanna switch firing mode must put the gun down, use two hand and push like hell. plus its dam pain cos the stick is so small. toot lah

and i havent started on holiday homework yet. POK!! LEMME COPY!! got the du zhe thing havent do, plus must read hong lou meng, the importance of being earnest and gulliver's travels.


i tell you ppl, whoever wrote gulliver's travels is the most retarded person in the world. serious. i mean , the shortened, dumbed down kiddie version makes more sense than the original. wth lah. i read 1/5 of the book i give up alr. like, there's just no POINT to anything that happens in the book. in most books everything that happens either happens for a reason, or leads up to the final conclusion. in this book it doesnt. completely random things happen and lots of pages wasted explaining useless things. stupid book. whoever decided this book was a good classic is a retard too.

rubbish lah

heyheyhey

ok, i know this place is getting stagnant...

but im always too lazy to post haha... not like here v popular anyway :P

anyway. here we are in the middle of eoy holidays, and i havent even started on me homework w00ts!!! haha. just finished camp yesterday, wanted to go training todae but too lazy

:P

camp was quite cool lar, but our march camp was more ownage. dunno leh, this camp suddenly everyone not enthu anymore, the only cool activity is giddy stick. super super funny. run 10 metres to a spot, rotate 20 times and run back as fast as possible. just try and see =)

thanks jun hong for suggesting this during seasa.

and speakin of jun hong, well done singapore shooting for sea games!! yay!!

and jonathan , now she gonna be so happy ;) got enough money for engagement ring alr :P

heyheyhey im back

vietnam was a blast, dam fun.

i really miss the place. hope to go back there again soon... we worked with NTT students for like 2 weeks and made really good friends...

Hoang, Quong Minh, Hanh, Quynh Trang, Hin, Bim, Minh Duc, Vanh Linh, The Duc, Thu Thao, Cam Phuong, Dinh Phuong, Mai Anh, Truong Giang, Ngan, here's to you guys :D

got lots of gifts too, both for them and they gave us...

i really dont care what people say about vietnam

its the coolest country in the world

i love it there.

and during the 2 weeks there, i felt i changed

i dont know how, but i feel different now than from before

haha
i hope its a change for the better

haha....

i cant really believe

i came back home to this...

so i guess vietnam was a chance for me to run away...

and now im back.

After a month

man...its been a long time since i last updated.... firstly cos of exams, then cos i was lazy haha ;)

my exams ended err...close to one week already, and now then i post.....haha my blog is dying...

kk, first shall go thru all the papers o.0

english was quite ok, did the compre well but i think i screwed up the essay...nvr read instructions, so finish writing already then realise that you should use the source given....=( haiz

in the same day was SS. haha. i hate my ss teacher.....he rly is an ass.... like during lesson right he dun give notes one, he teaches thru powerpoint thats super wordy, messy and he goes thru them dam dam fast...so no chance to copy... =( then after that he starts whining(sounds like) about how hes not gonna give us notes, he wants us to think for ourselves blablabla.... idiot man.... so SS i studied alot, but no content to study,so go over the same stuff over and over again... ;P

so the paper got 2 essay questions...and the things i study only cover one question lol...
....so in the end my questoin 2, which is supposed to be the shorter essay, wrote over 2 page plus, then the supposedly longer question 1 write only 1 page plus...=( shure die already....

then weekend break, on monday was chinese and chem................... ok, lets not talk about chinese ;) haha.....i studied for chinese lah, but as usual forget alot of stuff...... then at the end of the chinese paper i felt quite ok, that i would do fine....... but i know im gonna fail already. always like that one....when i feel confident abt things, the outcome is always bad....

next was chem , which im finally proud to say i think i did well...... there were lotsa questions, but all think abit more then can answer already.... but even then, the whole of section c got 10 marks, and i noe i alr lost 7 marks le...... so haha.....keeping my fingers crossed....im prepared to do badly anyway/....i always do..

i know for a fact i failed maths

on wed was physics and bio...... physics i tot i was ok, but in the end i dun think i am.... dunno how im gonna do, alot of questions actually dunno, but make educated guess or tikam.....yup...

then bio...haha bio.. i hardly studied for bio, amazingly. like, the day before study bio lah, but before that i hardly touched my notes, so when the paper came out i got dam scared... like the physics paper like that, alot of educated guesses... but the diff is that after checking with my friends i realised most of my guesses were correct...haahahah ;)

final day was lit, which was actually quite easy.....but i have another reacher that caused me to hate the subject...he gives us like 5 times the amount of notes that we actually need and will use... and most of them are repeat prints.... like, i have 6 sets of notes explaining mental retardation because one of the characters we're studying is a retard. -.- so ya... lit was quite ok..


well ,over all for everything, i felt i did quite ok... arnd an average performance ba....

then again... i've learnt not to expect too much from anything........no expectation, no loss..... so ya, im prepared for the worst already...haha

keeping my fingers crossed.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1. thye jie...duh
2. TJ... initials :P
3. TeeJ...only JX calls me this... got others la...but too lame to publish...=)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1. i like my height...1.74m w00ts!!
2. i can walk arnd in a jacket with Team Singapore on the back....*ego*.. :P
3. i can laugh...

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1. organisation!!! my room would be tidier upside down...and i havent filed a single piece of paper since day 1 of '07 haha
2. stubborn. things i feel strongly about, don't expect me to change my thinking.
3. my weight...so light...BMI borderline le...

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1. hmmmm....some place in China(father)
2. some place in China(mother)
3. kendang kerbau hospital....?

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. not wearing that jacket ever again
2. getting demoted to normal chinese
3. the little exorcist girl....

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. my handphone...for contactng ppl... ;)
2. MP3 player...my world revolves arnd music...lol
3. oxy 5....eeeee....metrosexual hahaha :P

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. reebok specs....haha
2. shorts...and underwear duh...
3. very very long hair...by my standards...

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS
1. My Chemical Romance
2. Jay Chou... the one man band...haha(dunno if this counts ornot...)
3. The Bloodhound Gang... ;)

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. my shooting is dying
2. my studies are dying
3. my life is going so well

oooooooo guess guess...;)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. train almost everyday
2. pass my chinese o level
3. bulk up more....im soo skinny....omg...

THREE THINGS YOU NEED IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. trust
2. understanding
3. (someone's name) ;)

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO
1. lose emotionally... not surprised if you dun understand...i dunno how to describe too..
2. solve my rubik's cube...AHHHHH
3. be what i want to be...

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES
1. listening to music
2. reading
3. shooting

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1. sleep...=(
2. make my mental block go away... i have a bloody essay to write....=(
3. go safra and train

THREE WEIRD JOBS YOU'D CONSIDER DOING
1. scriptwriter
2. professional shooter...but imposible la..=( no hope, no future
3. actor...heehee

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1. Australia
2. Tibet
3. Australia... :P i love the place...haha

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. marry, have kids...that kinda thing... =)
2. get my 1 minute of fame...world fame...haha *ego again...*
3. call all my surviving friends and family thank them for a wonderful life

THREE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD COMPLETE THIS SURVEY
1. yulin!! haha i sabo u... :P
2. cedric :P
3. ..amanda..=)

A - Age: 15 years, 9 days, 9 hours, 10 minutes...(not kidding, i noe my birth minute...=)

B - Band listening to right now: the bloodhound gang
C - Career future: no eye deer...

D - Dad's name: leejimhow

E - Easiest person to talk to: close friends ;)

F - Favorite song: don't you fake it, by the red jumpsuit apparatus

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: bears!! cos the worms dunt have a head to bite off...HAHAHAHA evilz...=)

H - Hometown: angmokio! ;)

I - Instruments: Feinwerkbau p700 :P

J - Job: student...duh..

K - Kids: err....no.... 0.o

L - Longest car ride ever: change to bus ba... 6 hours, from kl to spore

M - Mom's name: soh siew lan

N - Number of people you slept with: Ever? like...thirty plus..............LOL during school camp la...wad were u thinking?;)

P - Phobia[s]: failure...in life...=(

Q - Quote: "fine lor...(something evil) me lah!! fine arh!!"

R - Reason to smile: friends. =) thanks

S - Song you sang last: fire water burn, by the bloodhound gang...=) explicitlyrics...0.0

T - Time you wake up: about 6. weekends as late as i want...heehee :P

U - Unknown fact about me: im not forever happy and smiles and laughter. i get pissed and depressed too.

V - Vegetable you hate: ladies fingers...i dunno why there's this slimy coating on it...=(

W - Worst habit: i depress myself...lol

X - X-rays you've had: err....nope

Y - Yummy food: sungei road laksa!!! yeahz

Z - Zodiac sign: eehhhh...monkey on one side, lion on the other...haha

why the hell do i keep making these fucking mistakes...


im sorry...

i don't know what happened to me today

i was just so disappointed with myself...

thinking about what was going to happen to me

3 months from now



i know i was selfish towards you

i know your basic expectations of me

and today

i failed them

im sorry

..

i really wanted to see you today

yet i still...

and

i hate myself.


sorry.

and now... cos im so dam bored...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8 a.m

2. Diamonds or Pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? the simpsons movie

4. What is your favorite TV show? mythbusters...

5. What did you have for breakfast? red bean paste bun...

6. What is your middle name? err...thye?

7. What is your favourite cuisine? french... but eat v rarely la...

8. What foods do you dislike? cabbage

9. Your favorite potato chip? lays classic =)

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? er... i dun buy cds... ;)

11. What kind of car do you drive? imaginary car...

12. Favourite sandwich? either tujna or corned beef....hmmm..

13. What characteristics do you despise? slacking...so ok, i despise myself

14. Favourite item of clothing? err...shirt?

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? australia!!! yeah aussies rock

16. What color is your bathroom? eh... beige

17. Favorite brand of clothing? what... that i wear or that i wish could wear? err... i wear aadidas n reebok, but i wish i could wear S&K

18. Where would you want to retire to? someplace other than an old folks home...=(

19. Favorite time of day? afternoon

20. Favorite Sports to watch? soccer...duh

21. What laundry detergent do you use? err... TOPLOAD SPIN; MASTER OF MACHINE WASH... lolz..

22. Coke or Pepsi? Coke... yeah.. coke rule

23. Are you a morning person or night owl? Night owl.. weee!! eye bags here i come...

24. What size shoe do you wear? my feet size 10, but i wear 11...

25. Favourite animal? er...me?

26. Any news you'd like to share with everyone? Not yet... ;)

27. What did you want to be when you were little? cartoonist... gawd... now my drawin sucks

28. Favorite candy bar? nvr eat candy for v v long liao...=(

29. What are your favourite childhood memories? eh... what childhood?

30. What color underwear are you wearing? Not telling XP

31. Nicknames? TJ... and some super lame ones in pri sch which im not tellin...:P... plus the obvious.=(

32. Piercing? no...

33. Eye color? Brown

34. Ever been to Africa? Nope..

35. Ever been toilet papering? wth is toilet papering

36. Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? hmm.. almost cried

37. Ever been in a car accident? No, but motorbike have b4

40. What do you do most often when you are bored? listen music...

41. Bedtime? 11-12

42. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? yulin...cos i tot i knew him but apparently not...=(

43. Last person you went to dinner with? like...lots of ppl.. chester, mark, yulin, alex, carol...and a whole lot of other ppl in the ballroom that i dunnoe...

44. What are you listening to right now? my fingers typing things on my keyboard...duh

45. What is your favorite color? red!!

46. Lake, Ocean or River? lake,cos i can stay there without fear of sunami or typhoon or tidal wave that kind of nonsense...=)

47. How many tattoos do you have? my whole body got tatoo lor...lolz...just that its skin colour...XD

48. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Eggs can't come

49. If you had one wish to make? ...right now? hai... to be able to talk to someone again...

50. Time you finished this questionnaire? 1500 hrs..

SG OPEN....

wow...

565..

even i dint expect that...

but


no matter what i did

at the beginning..

in the middle..

near the end..

i couldnt

sstop

shaking...

so

i admit

40 shots into the shoot

i gave up

lost hope of hitting anything

near 580

or 570

so when the results came out...

the sentence was already written

and

the little numbers in that spreadsheet...

that was just the full stop at the

end.



you know

i could blame it

on a hundred

different

reasons...

but im not going to

it doesnt serve

any purpose

except to

make myself feel better

so im not going to

blame my performance

on anything

other than myself

i mean

shooting is just you
and
your gun

and my gun was working

fine...

so

im gonna

move on

and

progress

i swear i will

cos





i didn't fucking train for three years for fucking nothing.

im satisfied with every aspect of my life...
except studies...
why my studies so noob one?

haiz...

oh well, at least evrything else is ok...
my trainin

my social life..

my holidays will be productive...

but i still feel sian...
oh well
at least not emo liao...
weeee

heyz...mebe i should try those quizzes...the one where they ask u questions about what ur doing now...then u answer the first thought that comes to ur head...

dunno? tryin to find it...
omg... im dam random

HOLD IT!!!

hey people
relax, im fine
just that this afternoon i felt i needed to let off some steam
dats what blogs are for what...
regarding some private stuff... dun be too nosy :)

relax, im not getting suicidal or anything..
still gonna wake up tomorrow and enjoy life
not gonna dwell on unhappy thoughts..
after all, whats the longest time you guys have seen me depressed?

but...that scissors i COULD use to slash my wrists with is looking more and more appealing...

hehz.

jus jokin lah

oh yah..i just realise that the previous post looked alot alot like a suicide note... srry if i worried you guys

untitled

i dun noe

how to start this..

but just saying that

3 months

is a long time to wait

to tell a person something.

important to you

3 months

and when the moment comes

you expect things

you shouldn't expect.

you only listen to

what you want to hear

and not what

you know you will hear.

3 months

of waiting

collecting

organising thoughts

*

and one night

is all it takes

to change everything

i was living in a dreamland for one day

and the next,

i was back to earth and lower

*

i dont know

how you feel

all i know is

i've thought about you

all this while

and suddenly droppping this on you

telling you how i feel

i know its a shock

but like i said

i expected things i know i shouldnt

and im sorry

if i was demanding

if i was too eager

cos i wanted so much

for you to understand me immediately

*

what you said that night

was like a wake-up call

and i realise

i have been pestering you

bothering you

with no regard for what you feel

and

i know

im gonna have to wait some more

maybe another 3 months

maybe another 6

maybe a year

to get back again

but just know

that im never gonna give up

that im never gonna forget

im gonna keep trying

until you forget me

or you tell me straight to my face

that its over



-TJ

15th Birthday

Very big thanks to Alex, Cedric, Yulin, Vanessa and Jasmine for waiting for me for like 2 hrs to celebrate my bdae.

thanks for the cake

thanks for the bowling

thanks especially to cedric and alex for letting me get up close and personal with the cake.

and here's the pic of the post:
uberuberuber macro/close up. yeah.

its 3am in the mornin. tmr is mon. i havent pack my equipment. i haven't pack my luggage. yeah.

walaoo... very very long never update already...so today shall be a super long post the chronicles my life these past 2-3 weeks.

kk, first thing that comes to my mind. National day!! i know 9th aug gone very long already, but onlly now then i find the time to blog. yeah

went to the padang to watch fireworks, and fireworks only. and also the airoplane fly-by. took some quite cool pics.
pro hor. actually the fireworks got more, but then got alot of smoke, so can only see about half the firework. these two were the first few ones. then got the kid's show of patriotism. hee.the flag contrast with the trees. then the last pic i know the flag is covered, but thats the point. wanted to show the flag peekin out from behind supreme court.

i think this national day was more of a sucess than others. for one, there was no super long mass display to bore people out. and the military show of force was uber cool.
apaches fly here fly there. then the jets fly past. woohoo.

woah. the guy that organise this event, by next year sure kena major promotion one.

kk, national day over. now for a isolated event that happened one day.

1. cedric bully granny
2. cedric and granny fight
3. people training stare at them.
4. cedric and granny stop fighting.
5. cedric sit down on chair with granny beside him

the stage is set. suddenly, granny decides to flick cedric. but granny misses.... granny hits cedrics eye

GRANNY FLICK CHICKY"S EYE!!!!!!

the sound it makes is amazing...like abit of 'piak' and abit of 'plop'. followed shortly by a SQUAWK... then chicky dies...

THE END

Why still got problem?????

ok, this post im still complaining, but definitely more positive than the last one...

so now my shooting is under control...still not doing really well, but at least after each training i feel either happy or just contented. of course, still got those moments that still fell zi bei, cos shoot like 90 wif 9 shots, then last shot shuai den become 98 or 99. but v rare lar... most of the time i shoot 96-97.

ok, now for the problem. my shooting is fine, but my studies very not fine. VERY VERY NOT FINE. right now, i dont know how i am going to pass o level chinese... i can count the number of assignments with passing mark with one hand. very very lan

then this week got four tests, two of which i think i am going to fail, chinese and maths. shooting has screwed up my school life like crazy man...

but you know what?

i wouldn't give it up for the world

ILOVESHOOTING!!! P-700-OWER!!!!!

On Saturday, i had a long talk with alex over shooting performance, and it prompted me to write this post.

Currently, my shooting is not going well at all. For the past few months, i have been stuck at a constant 570. i have tried ways and means to improve myself, but these new methods only work for 1 training, then screw me up for the subsequent trainings. I fell into a self-destructive pattern with regards to training. I was tired and sick of failing during training, but most of all i was scared of disappointing my coach, of having him to tell me again with ever increasing exasperation what i was doing wrong. no matter what i did, no matter how closely i followed his instruction, my shots were not going where i wanted them to.

As a result, often i would tell yulin i would go for training, only to back out at the last minute and give some half-assed excuse as to why i did not go. I would spend the afternoon sitting in my room and going through all the cards i shot in sec 2 and ask myself: if i could do it then, why not now? I sincerely say sorry to the people that i had to lie to to cover my insecurity.

I shot a lucky 590 in november, but that was to signal my long-term dip in form. The subsequent months i shot constant 570s, but, then, i was not fazed. I trained as usual and managed to claw my way back to a 580 in april. In may i shot in australia and hit 580 again. The next monthly shoot i also hit a 580. this boosted my confidence level. But for some reason, after that high i dropped back to 570 again. I had felt grateful that my dip in form was finally over, and then before i had a chance to forget it it was back again. I have been stuck at that level until now.

Maybe im weak-minded. Maybe i cannot take failure. I could not get my mind off shooting scores because i was so eager to rise back to my usual standard again. It was as if my good scores were some kind of drug and i was addicted to it. I wanted it so badly, i forgoed the usual routines and changed my position as and when i liked. Everytime i didnt shoot well, i would change my position. I forgot about shooting with body feeling and focused all my attention on the sights.

When i was in sec 1 i remember telling yulin that my greatest fear for shooting was to be a one-hit wonder. Shoot good scores for awhile and then disappear forever. In 2007, suddenly every bad training, every lousy shot and every poorly done competition reminded me of my fear. It was drawing closer everytime i “failed”.

But my talk with alex woke me up. Why do i care about score so much? Doing that would only make me shoot well in the short term. It would only bring me closer to the stage that i was most scared to go to: the short-lived euphoria of a one-hit wonder. Now i realize all this while i was putting up a false front for the people around me. I was trying to help people when i couldn’t even help myself.

So after the chat i made afew resolutions. From now on, i promise not to care about my score during trainings. As long as that training felt good, i’ll be content. I will also not change my position as and when i like. It is no use hankering after score when you are not even comfortable with training. Above all, i’ll keep my promises to train after i tell people i will be going down to Safra. I wonder how i lived with the guilt of knowing that i willingly made empty promises to people...

I hope with all my heart for the better.

Cedric's Birthday pt 2

cedric is finally happy with his card and chicken food
cedric's birthday cake
the cake in dynamic perspective wor...
group photo with cedric's presents...
the best shot of the day... alek and cedric
again...
and again...
the candles are finally lit... cedric makes his wish
dynamic lighting wor...
immediately after blowing :) the candles still GLOW...
Justin and Cedric
First he spoils the picture,then he tries to lick the camera...

Justin and Cedric
the cleaners arrive to clean up...
granny getting bullied
a true glamour shot...
look at alek's elbow...

Cedric's birthday

So far on Monday...

today was quite a nice day. started with a literature presentation about Of Mice and Men. for those of you that don't know, Of Mice and men is a tragedy. a modern tragedy, to be exact...

so my project was to compare Ancient tragedy to Modern tragedy. tackled the question on 2 fronts, 1 on plot structure, and 1 on character development. i feel quite proud of myself now. even though i was not present for the briefing lesson, the teacher still congratulated us on our presentation, saying it was very well done for a 2-member group, compared to other 5-member ones. (one member saved his life by contributing at the last minute)

after that was PE, more soccer again. then recess, where i was chionging some 3 week late compo. after that i realised i could not finish it, then suck up to the teacher, look remorseful, and ask for extension. and he gave it to me! can add this teacher to my "nice teacher list" that has a grand total of one teacher so far.

after school we had PT, where the entire shooting club meets to do physical torture. but this pt was quite fun lor. we went to the newly-opened school gym. quite nice lor, the place. then i chiong to the cycling machine, cos i like cycling. i cycled 5 click in 9.38 minutes, at an average speed of 30 km/h and burned a super grand total of...90 calories. i feel sooooo much healthier man...

but, since i like cycling, i am considering sacrificing every alternate recess to go work out. still thinking.

ok, for today's quote: " i am human... and i am also CHICKEN" cedric, during one of the fantastic4's msn sessions.

unfortunately, no pic todae, cos im using a different comm and the pics are in the other comm. but i promise to upload one, either by itself or in the next post... so thats all for today lor...

what the future holds...

Next week is going to be a crazy week. on Monday, i got some literature presentation that i soloed myself. supposed to have 2 other group members. i decided not to include them. then later that day will have PT, that im sure i will die in because right now my fitness is shit.

on tuesday, not so bad. i wanted to go train on that day, but then i got a literature talk that is actually not compulsory but our teacher wants all of us to go. so i can only start training at abt 4, or 5.

then on wednesday, got an exco meeting. no lah, i'm not exco yet. according to yulin, our seniors just want us to sit in.

on thursday, my mother is flying off to taiwan for a shopping trip, along with some female relatives of mine. shudder. sure kena bankrupt one. will also be training today...

on fri got nothing...thankfully

den saturday train again. and that's it for the post.

ok, now for something new. as some of you know, im quite interested in photography, so sometimes i take my camera out and shoot stuff. and some of them are quite nice. so i shall start a posting photos during each post. and also post some completely random and unrelated quotes.

pic:it was a stream of water, then i took it at high shutter speed. cant rmb any values tho... taken with fujifilm s6500fd


so now the quote:

"Anything is carbonated, Whatever is not" by Granny.

Bu Neng Shuo De Mi Mi

I'm not stable...

Recently my shooting performance has been like a roller-coaster ride. On one training, I adjusted the place that the gun butt sits on. Adjusted it nearer to my body. Then after that I shot minimum 97, so got quite confident.

Then, the next training, I try to do the same thing again. I use my new position and shot a 100 in my 1^st series. Then it started going downhill. My second series shuai 3 times, make the grouping damn horrible. But the thing is the rest of the shots were all tens, and area only about 1¼ the size of the 9 ring. Then comes the third series. I shot like 2 8s to the right within the 1^st five shots. Since only 2^nd series, I decide to push. Refocus, pull the grouping back into the centre by the 7^th shot. Then the rest all 10. the result: like 94-95.

The 4^th and 5^th series cannot remember already, but I know that they not much better than the 2^nd and 3^rd. also the same case, afew tens, then one that shuai very far. After that, depending on my mental condition, I can slowly pull the shots back or I will continue shooting until i finish. I think the final scores were 100-97-94-95-96.

This would sound like a normal bad training, but for me it’s another disappointment. For close to 1½ years, I have been continually changing and tweaking my position until I can shoot stably. I will change position, do well for one training, then do badly for the next 2-3. As a result, I have not felt secure or felt that my position is stable for very long already.

The position that I use to shoot my best scores also make me shoot badly. The position that I use to shoot 100s also make me shuai every other shot. Why can’t I be like other shooters, that change their position once every year or so, and change because their coaches have decided that they have reached that level, and are ready to move on…

I know I am also lucky that I am already shooting at this standard. I also know that there are lots of shooters out there that are also struggling harder than me to improve themselves. So I wonder if I have the place to say these kind of thing. But the thing for me is, that I keep getting false hope. I can shoot 585, then I feel damn happy that I finally reach that standard. Then the next shoot I go in full of confidence, and the shots just don’t work out. My 3 best shoots all result in me doing badly for the next 2 months. The worst was when I shot 588 and 584 two months in a row. After that I was stuck at mid 570 for two months. And not just competition, training during that two months also stuck at 570. so right now, I really don’t know what to do.

I know I don’t usually lament about these kind of things in real life, but aiyah, this is a blog what, whatever I feel I just type lor. How was this for a 1^st post