On Saturday, i had a long talk with alex over shooting performance, and it prompted me to write this post.

Currently, my shooting is not going well at all. For the past few months, i have been stuck at a constant 570. i have tried ways and means to improve myself, but these new methods only work for 1 training, then screw me up for the subsequent trainings. I fell into a self-destructive pattern with regards to training. I was tired and sick of failing during training, but most of all i was scared of disappointing my coach, of having him to tell me again with ever increasing exasperation what i was doing wrong. no matter what i did, no matter how closely i followed his instruction, my shots were not going where i wanted them to.

As a result, often i would tell yulin i would go for training, only to back out at the last minute and give some half-assed excuse as to why i did not go. I would spend the afternoon sitting in my room and going through all the cards i shot in sec 2 and ask myself: if i could do it then, why not now? I sincerely say sorry to the people that i had to lie to to cover my insecurity.

I shot a lucky 590 in november, but that was to signal my long-term dip in form. The subsequent months i shot constant 570s, but, then, i was not fazed. I trained as usual and managed to claw my way back to a 580 in april. In may i shot in australia and hit 580 again. The next monthly shoot i also hit a 580. this boosted my confidence level. But for some reason, after that high i dropped back to 570 again. I had felt grateful that my dip in form was finally over, and then before i had a chance to forget it it was back again. I have been stuck at that level until now.

Maybe im weak-minded. Maybe i cannot take failure. I could not get my mind off shooting scores because i was so eager to rise back to my usual standard again. It was as if my good scores were some kind of drug and i was addicted to it. I wanted it so badly, i forgoed the usual routines and changed my position as and when i liked. Everytime i didnt shoot well, i would change my position. I forgot about shooting with body feeling and focused all my attention on the sights.

When i was in sec 1 i remember telling yulin that my greatest fear for shooting was to be a one-hit wonder. Shoot good scores for awhile and then disappear forever. In 2007, suddenly every bad training, every lousy shot and every poorly done competition reminded me of my fear. It was drawing closer everytime i “failed”.

But my talk with alex woke me up. Why do i care about score so much? Doing that would only make me shoot well in the short term. It would only bring me closer to the stage that i was most scared to go to: the short-lived euphoria of a one-hit wonder. Now i realize all this while i was putting up a false front for the people around me. I was trying to help people when i couldn’t even help myself.

So after the chat i made afew resolutions. From now on, i promise not to care about my score during trainings. As long as that training felt good, i’ll be content. I will also not change my position as and when i like. It is no use hankering after score when you are not even comfortable with training. Above all, i’ll keep my promises to train after i tell people i will be going down to Safra. I wonder how i lived with the guilt of knowing that i willingly made empty promises to people...

I hope with all my heart for the better.